Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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