toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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