i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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