how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
