I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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