Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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