I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
