I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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