There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
