He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize