It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
