i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
