So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
