dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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