I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
