I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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