Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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