Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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