Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
