I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
