It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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