this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
