Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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