anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
