You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
