We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
