If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Oh god it's open bar.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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