They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He shit in the fireplace
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
