My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
