Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
