I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
