Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
