how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
