Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
