She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
