so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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