On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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