My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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