Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
