Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
They took my balls.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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