you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
