I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My balls are so social today.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
