who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
