while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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