I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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