It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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