I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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