anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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