i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
