I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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