I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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