and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
