yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
ok first of all what the fuck
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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