just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
