Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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