i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize