Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
