I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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